6 a.m. (or thereabouts)- I wake up unhappy that this is the day I leave the island. I’m not so much sad about leaving, as I am apprehensive about 13 hours of flying. The good news is that although I’m not healthy, I feel better than I did yesterday so the flight will be a little more bearable.
6:45 a.m.- I take a little walk down the street, looking for an open store where I can buy a few snacks for the plane and some pineapple for breakfast. I find what I’m looking for, and I throw in a few more souvenirs for the family.
Nothing interesting at all happened from the time I returned to my hotel room to the time I left for the airport. I paid my hotel bill and grabbed a chicken caesar salad for lunch. I figured that I should begin to eat better considering the way I ate this week.
12:05 p.m.- I drop off the rental car and hop in the shuttle. Who sits next to me? Maybe the best cornerback in football, Nnamdi Asomugha. Nnamdi and I talk a bit, and I reminded him that the state of Texas has no state income tax. Neither does Florida.
12:40 p.m.- I check in, but I’m not able to upgrade to first class. That’s no fun. On the bag check line I meet an attractive lady who is a personal friend of Cortland Finnegan. We swapped stories about the players from the week of the game.
12:50 p.m.- I make my bathroom break and who do I run into? Brandon “the Beast” Marshall. I spoke to Brandon all week long so he remembered me. He’s a fellow UCF alum, so now we’re boys on a very distant level.
1:00 p.m.- Clinton Portis is on my flight. So is “Dirty” Al Harris. Harris is in the exit row, Portis in first class. I’m sitting next to a pair of New Zealanders who are very nice. No immediate animosity or hate detected.
4:00 p.m.- From here on out I’m going to switch to Pacific time. The flight is going okay for the most part. My nose is runny, but I don’t seem to be grossing out the people next to me too much. I’ve drank a ginger ale and I’m thinking my streak of not using the airplane bathroom is going to come to a vicious halt.
6:34 p.m. (PST)- They are playing some ridiculous woman movie during the flight. I don’t know what it is, but one of the stars is Kathy Bates. If there is a god, she won’t take her clothes off.
8:05 p.m.- I’ve had to go to the bathroom for about an hour now and it’s starting to hurt. I was about to give in and use the facilities but there was a line of four people. I couldn’t wait any longer so I got up and limped to the front of the plane, biting my lip the entire way. I tried bribing the guy in front of me as I offered him $20 for his spot (I figured it was a good deal to avoid peeing myself for the first time since kindergarten). He declined the deal. To my pleasant surprise, two of the people who I had perceived to be in line were just standing around stretching, and not indeed waiting for the bathroom. The guy in front of me seemed to take forever when he got in (even though it was only about a minute or so). “31 the Dirty One” was giving me funny looks as he could clearly see the struggle I was going through. Finally the guy in front of me got out and I used the airplane bathroom. It was the longest urination of my life, I timed it at 93 seconds. Using the airplane lavatory wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought, and I might even do it again during my journey.
8:24 p.m.- I’m feeling refreshed and they are now playing repeats of CBS sitcoms, “How I Met Your Mother,” and “The Big Bang Theory.” Both are funny so I’m doing okay. I wish they would’ve had more of these earlier instead of one of the “Lifetime Network favorites. The first leg of my flight is due to land in Los Angeles in about an hour. I have to short layover before I continue to Miami.
9:05 p.m.- I just landed in L.A., the skyline really is beautiful at night. I just got off the plane and have time for a quick snack. The only thing open is the Chili’s express where I proceeded to purchase a turkey and swiss wrap and a bottled water which cost me $12. God only knows how long the sandwich has been sitting in the cooler.
10:25 p.m.- I’m trying to get on the plane, but people somehow can’t figure out how to put their carry-ons away and then vacate the row. Watching this one guy put a bag that’s clearly too large for the space is humorous to me. It’s like watching a monkey attempt to have sexual intercourse with a football.
11:02 p.m.- The plane finally leaves L.A. with me aboard. People next to me are un-American, so there shouldn’t be a bunch of chit-chat. That’s good news.
11:18 p.m.- We’ve reached 22,000 ft. so I’m going to eat the turkey-swiss wrap now. Hungrier than I had previously anticipated, I took a really big bite and got mostly sandwich, but a good potion lip. So I’m sick with a cough and a runny nose, and to make matters worse, blood is dripping down my mouth. I’m a freakin’ mess.
11:31 p.m.- I ate about 2/3 of the wrap and used some tissues to slow down the bleeding from my mouth. There is a sleep vibe going on here so I’d love to take part in that before our movie, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” begins. Nope, not making it up, Beverly Hills Chihuahua is the entertainment of choice. It’s time for me to take an Ambien to try to get a few hours rest.
12:50 a.m.- Yep, you guessed it, I haven’t slept a wink. There’s a guy behind me that’s apparently trying to set some kind of new decibel record for the loudest snore, and this movie is so exhilarating. Okay, I was joking about the movie. I’ve written a few more articles, but I think I need to stop as the Ambien is starting to kick in and the words aren’t quite flowing well enough.
1:48 a.m. (sometime near there)- Loud snorer behind me awakens himself and Ambien kicks in. I manage to fall asleep for a good hour and a half.
6:05 a.m. (EST)- Land in Miami, where I’m not even sure if English is a third language. After buying a $3 small pack of gum (because of my breath), I grab a bacon egg and cheese sandwich at Nathan’s. I knew there was going to be an issue with the transaction when I looked into my wallet and saw that all I had was $100 bills left (not many, either). I’m not sure if you have to be a math major to know that if the sandwich costs $7.24, and I hand you $100.25, the correct change is $93.01. She kept trying to give me back $80 and demanding it was correct. I was trying to explain simple math to her, but it was difficult being that I didn’t speak her language. After approximately 5 minutes, the issue was resolved by a manager who apparently had the necessary 3rd grade arithmetic skills to complete the transaction.
In about two hours I’ll be getting on yet another plane to Orlando and this adventure will be over.
Update: Landed on time in Orlando, my luggage arrived as well (actually a nice surprise), and I went home. After going to the doctor to evaluate my sickness, she said I have bronchitis and pneumonia. Now that I reflect upon the blog, much of it involved food and/or bathroom functions. Sorry, that's my life. I’m going to get some more rest and I’ll see you guys during the next trip.